McCallister's Exodus the rewrite

I'm leaving the first version of this up so it can be compared to this one. I'm working hard on expanding this and I'd like to know if this works better than the first, in addition to thoughts and suggestions on this alone. I know it's asking a lot, but if I don't ask for what I need, I have no shot of getting it, and at least this way I tried. Any and all input is appreciated. I want this story to be the best it can, so let me have it.

• Page 1 - McCallister's Exodus the rewrite"I'm leaving the first versi..."