Online Dating Thoughts from a Southern Girl's
Point of View

Online Dating Thoughts from a Southern Girl's Point of View

I've determined that online dating profiles are basically brief "essays of me" written by the lovelorn in order to let their floating in cyber space soul mates know all about them in 250 words or less.  After reading through a few of these profiles on a dating site I reluctantly visited after one particularly lonely weekend, I realized they all were basically the same...too good to be true. 

In all fairness, a new rule should be implemented on every online dating site regarding the submission of one's profile.  In addition to your own version of the truth, a required second profile must be provided by someone who has experienced first-hand your relationship qualifications...ah, let's say an EX who has been there and done that. 

That makes sense, doesn't it?  A potential employer with only a resume in hand would most likely call a former employer before jumping right in and hiring the candidate.  So, shouldn't someone seeking a life partner have the opportunity to at least read a performance review?

For example, a typical online profile might read...

Single white male who loves to dance, take long walks on the beach, go to the movies, hike, and play racquetball.  Will treat you like a lady and never break your heart.  Seeking attractive, intelligent, slender woman to complete me.

A profile reference from his EX might read...

This freeloader dances all right.  You'll find him dancing right along with the player who just made a touchdown on the third televised football game he will have watched that day.

Long walks on the beach...yeah right...his lily white ass hasn't been to the beach in five or six years, and walking to the refrigerator for his next beer is the longest haul I've ever seen him make. 

Movies...sure thing, he'll go, but only if the flick has something blowing up every five minutes, a sexy woman, and at some point, two cars racing.  Now, if it contains a sexy woman racing a car that happens to blow up at the end...Hell!  He may even spring for popcorn.  However, if you want soda, you'll have to hide it in your purse until the lights go down. 

Hike!  Yeah, he'll take a hike right about the time he sees the greener grass on your best friend's lawn.  And just FYI, he doesn't really know what racquetball is...it just sounds kind of cool to him. 

Treat you like a lady!  We won't even go there since I'm only allowed 250 words! Completing him could take some time ladies because this bad boy is missing quite a few puzzle pieces.

Now, tell me that wouldn't smack you back to reality while also serving as a helpful hint in making that all important decision of whether or not to respond.

Frankly, I find this online dating stuff too complicated.  Whatever happened to meeting your mate standing in line at the grocery store?  I've always felt you can immediately size up a man by what's in his grocery cart.  If his cart is loaded with beer, pretzels, toilet paper and Trojans; and yours with tofu, sushi, capers, and Tampax, well...ah crap, just go for it!  You never know...opposites do attract, and you'd both be well protected from all the elements.

I wish nothing but the best for all of you brave souls willing to dive head first into the cyber pool of love.  However, I think I'll just keep roaming the aisles of my local Piggly Wiggly.  Yes, we still have those here in the South, and I just know the perfect southern gentleman is going to stroll in one day for a pint of peach ice cream and venture out with another peach of sorts.  Oh my, that sounded kind of sexual...didn't it?

© Copyright 2006 Debrah Newell

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